Tax/IRS Jokes and Quotes

Jokes

IRS Calling


"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."

When I Die


Boudreaux wuz on his det bed. Marie, his wife who had been marry to him fa 53 yeers wuz at his bedside doin all she could to make his las few hours comfortable.
Boudreaux say, "Marie, mah love, promise me dat wen Ah die you will have me cremated."
Marie say, "Mais, shore, Ah will do dat fa you, but tell me, wat do you want me to do wit you ashes?"
Boudreaux say, "Put dem in a envelope, write on it, 'NOW YOU HAVE EVERYTING', an mail it to da IRS!"
 

Paying Your Taxes

 A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"
 

Traffic Ticket

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, two policemen came by.

While one pulled the gentleman over, the second stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked, "For what?!"

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion.
 

Academic

 A professor of taxation delivers a highly detailed, brilliant lecture drawing the distinction between tax avoidance and tax evasion. He then asks his brightest student, "Tell us succinctly what the difference is between tax avoidance and tax evasion." The student replies: "Jail."
 
MORE: tax humor

Quotes
  • "I am proud of paying taxes. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money." Arthur Godfrey
  • "My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income." Errol Flynn
  • "There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income." Will Rogers
  • A tax loophole is "something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.'' Russell B Long
  • "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." Albert Einstein
 

Definitions
  • The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple.
    If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
  • Osama Bin Laden's accountant suggested he invest a few million dollars in reenforcing his cave network because if he's still alive on April 15, he might need attack shelter (Gary Hallock)
  • When making out your tax return, it's better to give than to deceive (Lite Bites)
  • According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it takes. (Beckie Shiles)
  • Income-tax forms should be printed on Kleenex. So many of us pay through the nose. (Paul Benoit)
  • Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction. (Shelby Friedman)
 
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Created by McKinley Sielaff, Government Documents Librarian, The Colorado College; updated 12/12/05